Thank you for the bday wishes!

Finally! This year I will finally remember to write a journal to answer everyone that gave me a happy birthday!
THANK YOU!
You  have no idea how December is harsh on me, it always gives me the worst waves of depression, sometimes even leading to suicidal thoughts. Its a really harsh month for me.
Its the reminder that another year passed by, and I haven't had any progress or sucess with my life, that I'm getting older, its a reminder that people don't really know me, and just how few friends I have.
and to top it off I'm always cursed with a horrible bad luck, so that doesn't really help.
So when strangers or aquaintances take a minute of their day to wish me a happy birth day, when my own family members don't even bother, its a relief.
I may not feel it at the time, which is why this journal always gets delayed or forgotten, but it does help, a lot. It makes a difference.
The past years themselves have been...harsh. Plain cruel in fact. My depression gets better and worse, depending on events, but I'm still fighting it, even if I have very little strengh left to do so and hardly any hope.

I realize I've mentioned it before, but I dont think I've quite ever explained myself (I don't have to but its nice).
So if you want, just skip this last part, but it might enlighten where I'm going with my art in 2017, and whats been going on with it for the past 7 years.


Sigh, ok, deep breaths and here I go.
I started drawing for real in 2007. Like actually work on it, before it was just passtime doodles, even though I grew up raised by two art teachers, it was just a hobby and something I loved doing.
Discovering that I could make projects, stories, movies, with my art, just strenghned my joy for it. it was like nothing I'd ever felt, I'd never been so happy over something, and in general I've never had much to be happy about in my life.
It became especially strong when I was introduced to transformers animated, and I can't recall a higher height of my joy for making art.
The peices were decent, but I was learning fast to improve and reaching my goal, I had tons of feedback, people actually liked my stuff and were responsive! It was amazing, I felt like I was part of something for once. and truly the transformers community at the time was wonderful.
Of course over time as I got better, the community got a bit more rotten, there were a lot of art thefts, and most of the other artists I socialized with diappeared because they either couldnt handle it, or life got the better of them. This made me sad, but I held on, stayed my ground and continued, even if my quantity of work was decreasing alarmingly.
I wasn't enjoying things as much, and people weren't responding as much either.
I know my art is still good, its better than ever, but that wasn't the issue.
Eventually I found myself accepted to one of the best animation schools in europe: The Animation workshop in Denmark.
And as my dear best friend told me the other day: its like a part of me died when I went there. The part that loved doing art.
and backtracking my steps I noticed, yes, I was getting into a funk, but I was still enjoying things, but Denmark did do something to me, it did break me, and I do feel like a part of me died there.
I had several really horrifying situations there: I had a person responsble for our year and guidding us, and she was terrible at it to be honest, but to top it off, she had a thing against me, against everyone that wasnt scandinavian really, even though she herself wasn't even one.
But it seems particularly me. Because I was accused of several things I didn't do, I was put at disadvantage, often not being told of due dates which was her responsability, missing exams because she didnt send emails on time, getting the wrong instructions for assignments and tests... you get the picture.

By the end of year two there, I was in a heavy depression, I was so stressed out, I was constantly getting sick, and worse of all, I was having black outs. Moments where I'd be in a hard conversation, and then my brain would go black, I knew I was still awake, I could feel my body, could struggle to move it, but nothing worked. and I knew I heard sounds but I couldn't register them.
This by far was terrifying. I started having panic attacks, anxiety attacks, heart burns all the time, trouble breathing...
and then, at the end, we have to get chosen to work on a certain movie for our third year, and my counceler, plus my headmaster wanted to force me to work on one of the projects, which was a pornographic movie, promoting rape (yes, get that through your heads).
I flat out told them no. I refused, I didn't want that on my portfolio, and it was not what I wanted to do for animation.
I have all the respect possible for someone who does pornographic animation, I dont care. I didn't want to be that person.
So, they began flunking me out of the blue, made me fail all the exams so I wouldn't pass the year, then came and told me the worst:  "You're just not good enough".
This hit me so hard, its now a trigger word for me, whenever I read it directed at me, or hear it, it strikes hard, and I can't even describe the pain it gives me, emotionally and physically. Its crippling to a level it sometimes makes me want to just kill myself and end it all, even if I don't believe suicide to be an answer, and wouldn't resort to it, it makes me think it, it makes me WANT it. And thats...thats just not right. No one deserves that feeling.

So, the result was me being put on "leave of absence" for...four years  now? I think.
I've been depressed this whole time, fighting to get better, fighting to make it all go away or at least to not bother me anymore, and its hard, its so hard, its like you're fighting a war with your own life, trying to breathe when it keeps pushing you under the water.
I constantly feel like I have a noose tightened around my neck, and at any moment the floor beneath me will give away, letting gravity do its work.
I've never stopped fighting, all this time I haven't.
But as seen in my gallery, I...I still can't feel joy for doing art anymore...
sometimes, if I'm REALLY lucky, I get a glimpse of it. but its so rare its almost like once a year...but it keeps me believing that I can get it back, its somewhere deep in there, I just have to keep looking and find it.
So for one more year, I ask for your patience, and your forgiveness if I am not the most active memeber, I do try.I think about it every day. And I want it, its everything that I want, I just want to enjoy doing art once more.

Thank you for staying with me this long. It has been an honor to have you accompany me in this journey, and I hope we can continue for many more years to come.
With that said,

Lyrica out.